On the back of the turtle
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: Xander didn't dress as a soldier this time... Overkill doesn't begin to describe it.
1. Chapter 1

**On the back of the turtle 1**

**Disclaimer: I own neither DC nor BtVS.**

"Sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip," Xander sang to himself as he walked along the beach soaking up the sun, not that his eggshell white skin showed it. He'd been exiled from his world about a month ago, it was hard to tell time when you had no calendars.

Lying down on a boulder he'd found, shaped almost like a beach chair, he decided to take a nap. He had three hours before the tide washed up today's load of random debris.

As far as places to be exiled in, this one wasn't bad, a decent sized tropical island with a few interesting mysteries to solve and a steady supply of random crap that washed up on the beach. And it was definitely random. He'd gotten a crate of spandex biker shorts and a barrel of pickles the other day.

Even if he was alone he was fairly content with the price of his exile, so it was a relaxed and at peace Xander who awoke as a sword split his Adams apple in two as it cut his head from his shoulders.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Queen Hippolyta was surprised when the Amazon scouting party returned with a head on a pike. It was the head of a male with dark hair and very pale skin, made even more so by the lack of blood, though it did leave some unusual black markings around the eyes.

"The land has been claimed in your name my queen," Artemis said proudly. "While surveying our new land we discovered and executed a trespasser, a cursed male!"

"Just the one?" Hippolyta asked, realizing that sending a scouting party to claim the island did technically make any people there trespassers and subject to their laws, though Artemis' actions were a bit hasty.

"Just the one your highness," Artemis assured her. "We scoured the island and found it uninhabited." She didn't consider the male she'd killed an inhabitant so much as vermin to be exterminated.

If she'd known the island had been inhabited, Queen Hippolyta wouldn't have claimed the land, even with its sudden appearance next to Paradise Island, however the simple scrying spell she'd used hadn't shown anyone and she could hardly blame her warriors for her own mistake. "You have done well," she told her people, just before a roar of pure rage shook the heavens.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Xander awoke with the groggy feeling that one of his implanted memories informed him was caused by the fact that he'd just regrown his head. Fortunately, only having had spandex shorts to wear he'd absorbed a lot of sunlight lately so he'd regrown his head rather quickly. His confusion however soon gave way to rage as he heard the Amazons talking with their queen and he realized what had occurred.

Xander saw red.

The Amazons had no chance to defend themselves as they were battered and beaten about like leaves in a gale. If not for the numerous blessings the Greek pantheon had bestowed upon them they'd have all died from the first blow, instead they found themselves stacked like cordwood on the beach, all except for Hippolyta and Artemis, who were left untouched. The sudden appearance of the entire population in the blink of an eye shocked the remaining two Amazons before the battered condition changed that shock to horror.

"I believe in making the punishment fit the crime," Xander growled out, appearing next to the two on the beach linking the two islands.

The two untouched Amazons turned to see a male who looked to be the twin of whomever Artemis had beheaded standing there. However the line of dried blood around his neck spoke of a horrifying alternative.

"They did nothing to you!" Hippolyta shouted drawing her sword, even as she knew her efforts to be futile.

Despite Artemis' hatred for all things male she quickly threw herself on her knees. "It was all me, no one else was even involved in my actions!" She knew not what demon she had unleashed, but she was willing to sacrifice everything for her sisters.

"I said I believe in making the punishment fit the crime," Xander repeated. "If it was just being murdered in my sleep, the head of the person responsible would have sufficed."

"You killed him in his sleep?" the queen whispered horrified. "You didn't defeat him in battle?"

"I wasn't facing a warrior, just a male!" Artemis defended herself.

"However!" Xander said loudly to draw their attention back to himself, "since the queen approved of your actions it changes everything. I, Xander Harris claim your island as my own and as your laws state that any male that sets foot on your island shall be put to death, so too shall any female on my island receive the same fate, and you are all on my island!"

"No!" Hippolyta called out in horror.

Xander vanished and appeared near a stack of groaning Amazons with Hippolyta's sword in his hand. "I think I'll start with this pile."

Lightning struck the ground as a trio of females appeared in a flash of light and a roar of thunder.

"Hold mortal!" a toga clad woman with a bow over her shoulders ordered.

"No," Xander replied, no more willing to obey these gods than he was willing to obey the ones in his home world.

"Please!" a blond goddess pleaded.

"Will you at least listen before you act?" the last goddess asked, ink stained fingers clutching a scroll in her hand.

Xander looked at the trio of goddesses, recognizing them. "I will listen," he agreed, lowering the sword. "I may not obey, but only a fool would ignore the words of Athena or not spare a moment to enjoy Aphrodite's company."

"And me?" Artemis demanded.

"I could give a shit," Xander answered bluntly. "You could give a shit about me, so I feel that's fair."

"Yet you've risked your life to save my children before," Artemis said, resisting the urge to put an arrow or six through him.

"Those who fight to protect the innocent I support," Xander explained, "but those that would limit that by sex? I believe in doing unto others as they would do unto me."

"There is wisdom in what you say," Athena agreed, placing a hand on Artemis' shoulder to calm her.

"Not all of the Amazons want to go forth and slaughter everything male," Aphrodite said. "There are many in those piles that were badly treated by males and yet don't seek vengeance, just sanctuary. Is it justice to kill those?"

Xander winced. "Trust you to get straight to the heart of the matter. " He sighed. "Fine, those that hold no hate for the male gender in general, hatred of specific individuals being fine, are spared the headman's axe."

Aphrodite waved her hand and the majority of the Amazons vanished leaving a few hundred left.

"I would gladly take the place of any of my sisters!" Hippolyta begged, seeing Xander's anger had cooled. "Please, only two of us were truly involved," she begged. "And as Queen I am ultimately responsible for all my people's actions. Take me and let the others go, I am the one at fault."

Xander frowned, his fury cooling and his normal mindset slowly coming to the fore.

"I acted without orders," Artemis quickly added. "No doubt my queen would have acted differently in my place."

"Is there any way we could avoid bloodshed this day?" Athena asked as some of the less battered Amazons began to stir.

"I was planning on ridding the world of a group of sexist pigs who judge people and base their value entirely by what's between their legs," Xander said thoughtfully.

The slowly awakening Amazons were both angered and horrified at seeing a male (which was readily apparent as he as only wearing a pair of spandex biker shorts) holding their queen's sword while she was on her knees in before him. Even the presence of their patron goddesses couldn't keep them from whispering amongst themselves. Even Artemis found herself shaking her head, as Xander's face grew cold from listening to them.

"Enough!" Xander roared. "You two wish to take responsibility for everything that has occurred, and Athena has asked for a way to prevent bloodshed, so I have come up with a compromise from my original plan of beheading every Amazon here."

"What gives you the right to come into our sanctuary from the depredations of your kind and demand anything?" one Amazon demanded, hate blinding her to everything around her.

"Amazons invading my sanctuary, which the gods themselves granted me, and attempting to murder me in my sleep!" Xander growled his fury rising.

This time Artemis used her powers to quiet the Amazons so as not to anger Xander further.

"And you have come up with a way to prevent bloodshed?" Aphrodite asked hopefully, taking Xander's free hand and placing it on her breast while giving him her best puppy eyes.

Xander's temper cooled instantly. "Yes, the two Amazons who are most responsible for the whole mess are now my slaves."

There was a loud crack as Athena cold cocked Artemis before she could do more than look outraged.

"Leave everything you own here," Xander said. "Just as I came naked to Turtle Island, so shall you."

"Thank you," Aphrodite said hugging Xander and making him drop the sword.

Xander blushed and wished he was wearing something thicker than spandex to conceal his reaction, while Athena was having a quiet word with Hippolyta and the amazon named after Artemis. Xander turned and floated off with his back to everyone, while his two slaves stripped and listened to Athena.

Aphrodite turned to the recovering Amazons. "If you had given up your hatred towards men you would still have your queen."

Xander returned to his rock and laid back down trying to recover the peace he'd had earlier. He fell asleep almost instantly only to be awakened several hours later by the presence of two naked Amazons.

"What is your wish…master?" Queen Hippolyta asked, prepared for the worst while Artemis trembled behind her.

"Go to the stack of containers up the beach and find yourselves something to wear," he replied. "Fresh water is in the lake in the dormant volcano in the center of the island and there are various fruit trees scattered about. I'd suggest starting work on some sort of shelter unless you like sleeping outside like I do."

"And then?"

"No lying, or attacking me, see to your own needs and leave me the hell alone," Xander replied, really not wanting to deal with them.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"We've just received word of a disturbance at Paradise Island," J'onn announced in the JLA's meeting room.

Wonder Woman and Batman both turned to stare at him.

"According to initial reports your mother was kidnapped."

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**AN: I decided to see what would happen if I actually did overpower Xander.**


	2. Chapter 2

**On the Back of the Turtle 2**

"Are we allowed to make weapons so we can hunt for food?" Hippolyta asked.

"You are free to make anything you like," Xander replied. The two Amazon's left and Xander found his eyes following their spandex clad rears and wishing their inner beauty matched their outer beauty.

It had been several days since the Amazon incident and the two seemed to have relaxed a bit, no longer convinced he was going to demand they service him sexually, though he had heard them discussing their duty as slaves and how that was part of it. While he could do with some companionship he'd rather be alone than order anyone like that.

The fog around the island cleared away to show they had moved to the US this time, which meant Xander could a little shopping once he managed to get some money. Fortunately he had a wide array of powers that made making money relatively easy. Taking to the sky over the city (Jump City according to the signs) he scanned for anything of interest, while ignoring the people going about their lives. Over a dozen different things caught his eye but eliminating banks and private safes left three solid hits.

Xander landed in front of the police department and walked inside, drawing some attention as large pale skinned men wearing only a pair of bicycle shorts and what appeared to be moccasins weren't exactly common anywhere.

"Can I help you?" the sergeant at the front desk asked, he looked to be in his early thirties and though he still kept in shape, his hair was greying out at the temples.

Xander smiled. "I was wondering if a large amount of gold bars went missing recently, or a large collection of stolen paintings, and finally a chest filled with Confederate currency."

The sergeant perked up. "Someone hit First National two days ago, are you saying you know where that gold is?"

"Depends on the serial numbers on the bars," Xander replied.

"You got em memorized?" the sergeant asked with a smirk, "cause I doubt you got em on you."

Xander chuckled. "I can see them from here. They're in a lockbox buried in the bottom of the bay."

"Who do you think you are, Superman?"

Xander floated upwards to touch the ceiling and then back down. "He's a distant cousin actually."

"You're serious?"

"Yep. See I'm not a superhero or anything, but I'm here till sundown and broke off my ass. So I figured I'd help you and collect any rewards offered."

"Broke?"

"Got dumped on an island in the middle of nowhere naked," Xander explained. "And I have to return by sundown to the same island. Magic's involved, don't ask."

"Let me get a detective," the sergeant said.

"Pick one with a sense of humor if at all possible, please."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Detective Riggs, white male with brown hair, in his early twenties looked in the back of the SWAT van they'd borrowed. "Come on cracker, make with the directions."

"Hey!" Detective Murtaugh shouted at his partner. "I don't want to have to attend another sensitivity training class because of you." The older black detective turned to look at Xander. "Sorry about that, sir. What should we call you?"

Xander tried to resist, he really did but he found himself giving a heroic pose with his hands on his hips. "They call me… The Coon!"

Riggs fell over laughing while Murtaugh just groaned and rested his head on the steering wheel. "Only two more years til retirement," he muttered.

"You're alright," Riggs said. "I thought being some sort of superior life form to us mere humans meant having your sense of humor removed."

"Superior?" Xander asked confused. "Where did you get that idea?"

"Aren't you Kryptonian?" Murtaugh asked.

"Distant relative," Xander assured him. "But even if I was a full blooded Kryptonian it wouldn't mean I was superior."

"You're part human?" Murtaugh asked.

"Distant cousin of Kryptonian and human with some added stuff," Xander explained.

"How the hell did that happen?" Riggs asked.

"I'm not sure of the specifics," Xander admitted, "but at some point I'm guessing tequila had to have made an appearance."

"Please tell me you have a name I can use that won't land me in a racial sensitivity course," Murtaugh begged as Riggs laughed.

"Xander," he replied. "And head towards the beach."

"You really broke?" Riggs asked as they drove off.

"Yep. I have nothing in the way of cash just some odds and ends that have washed up on the beach and two Amazons."

"Amazons?" Riggs asked.

"One snuck onto my island and tried to murder me in my sleep just because I was male," Xander explained. "It's complicated."

"Fair enough," Murtaugh said giving Riggs a look that made him shut his mouth.

"Where'd that island come from?" Riggs asked when they reached the beach as he spotted what appeared to be an actual tropical island next to the Teen Titan's island in the middle of the harbor.

"That's mine," Xander replied.

"How does that work?" Riggs asked before Murtaugh could stop him.

"It moves about and I have to return to it. Let's just say the gods are strange and leave it at that."

"Stop asking him questions," Murtaugh ordered Riggs. "You know normal people can lose their minds trying to figure that shit out."

"I know, I know!"

"And I am far too old to start wearing spandex!"

"Ok, Ok," Riggs apologized. "Jeeze pops, watch the blood pressure." He climbed out of the van followed by the others.

"Where's the gold?" Riggs asked.

"Buried under a couple of feet of mud," Xander replied. "Let me get it for you."

Riggs waved him forward and Xander floated out over the bay before plunging straight down a dozen feet out.

"I'd look pretty good in spandex," Riggs said making Murtaugh groan. "Crazy ass, crackers."

"Hey, only we can use that word," Riggs said trying and failing to keep a straight face.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

The chief of police was waiting for the three when they returned several hours later. "Detective Murtaugh, did everything pan out?"

"Yes sir," Murtaugh replied. "We've recovered the gold from the robbery, what appears to be a lost shipment of stolen artwork from the early twenties, and a chest from the civil war that was probably going to pay a group of mercs from Canada."

"What I don't get is how you could see through the lead lining in the box of gold or the walls of that cave in the lead mine," Riggs said, finally figuring out what was bugging him.

"I'm only a distant cousin of Superman," Xander reminded him. "He can't see through lead, I can."

"So your vision is stronger than his?"

"Nah, I just have a different blind spot."

"Can you do that heat vision thing he does?" Riggs asked curiously.

"Nope," Xander shook his head. "He can spot weld while mine just freezes things. "

"Bummer."

"I'll let the Titans know they can stop looking for the gold," the chief said. "See if you can track down who owns the paintings now."

"What about the chest of Confederate treasure?" Murtaugh asked.

"It's been well over a century, finders keepers," he said bluntly.

"Three way split?" Xander suggested.

"You found it," Riggs pointed out.

"I'm not greedy," Xander said. "Besides, I'm only here until midnight and then it's back to Fantasy Island for me and god only knows where it'll end up next."

"Museum or coin shop?" Riggs asked.

"Museum," Murtaugh suggested. "Even if we don't get as much it has historical value."

"I'll leave you three to it," the chief said before leaving.

"Who's up for Chinese food?" Riggs asked.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Xander was lying on his rock, still dressed in only spandex biker shorts like he had been the day before, but a solar powered slushee machine hummed quietly behind him. A green skinned rhino ran past being chased by an angry Amazon wielding a fine hardened wooden spear, her breasts bounced nicely as she bounded past clad only in spandex shorts. A few seconds later a bald black cyborg ran past followed by a flying woman with orange skin and pupil less green eyes.

Xander sipped on his cherry slushee unconcerned.

It was nearly an hour and several laps later that Robin and Raven arrived with Queen Hippolyta.

"I'd like to have a word with you," Robin, the leader of the Teen Titans growled out.

"Really? About what?" Xander asked noting the lead lined pouch on Robin's belt holding a pair of green glowing brass knuckles.

"Kidnapping!"

"I haven't kidnapped anyone."

"The Queen of the Amazons."

"My slave."

"Slavery is illegal in the United States," Robin started off.

"You aren't in the United States at the moment," Xander replied. "You are standing on my sovereign territory, uninvited."

"Starfire and myself have not set foot upon your soil," Raven quickly interrupted, floating several feet off the ground.

"A technical loophole, but an acceptable one," Xander allowed.

"Slavery has been banned in all civilized countries in the world for a reason, it's barbaric and morally indefensible," Raven said.

"The two Amazons are my slaves because a pair of kindhearted women asked me to find a punishment for their attempted murder of me, while I lay sleeping upon this very rock, that avoided bloodshed. I believe the United States still allows capital punishment, so I suppose I could be civilized and kill them."

"Why are they topless?" Robin asked, quickly changing the subject wanting time to figure out the right approach to put his plan into action.

"I don't know," Xander admitted. "I haven't asked."

The two Titans turned to the silent queen, their question obvious.

"Why wouldn't we be?" she asked, Greek culture having very little in the way of nudity taboos.

"So really, enslaving them was just a punishment for their actions and they have no real use for you?" Raven asked, trying to get a handle on his motives.

"That does sum things up nicely," Xander agreed.

"Could we challenge you for them?" Robin asked.

"How do you mean?" Xander asked, using the confusion of his multiple mindsets to hide his emotions from the empath, as their entire plan seemed pretty obvious to him, but looked fun so he decided to play along.

"I'll fight you one on one, knockout or ring out in a circle," Robin replied. "If I win you let them go."

"And what if I win?" Xander asked. "It's only fair to have an equal stake in the game."

"Then I become your slave," Robin said.

"You wouldn't look half as good in bicycle shorts," Xander disagreed. "Plus there are two of them."

"But you don't really have any use for them," Raven argued. "So I'd like to place myself as the wager in this game, as I believe I'd look much better in bicycle shorts."

Robin's jaw couldn't have gotten any lower without being dislocated.

"That is a very good point," Xander agreed.

"You shouldn't risk yourself for me," Hippolyta said as she approached. "The punishment we've received was approved of by the gods, besides he defeated our entire nation in the blink of an eye."

"I have faith in my teammate," Raven said loyally.

"Is the wager acceptable?" Robin asked.

"Yes," Xander said thoughtfully. "I believe Raven's company is of equal or greater value to that of the two Amazon's I currently have. If you would care to gather your friends as witnesses, we'll make a couple of circles in the sand and begin."

Raven levitated Beast boy out of Artemis' reach on their next lap.

"Come down here and die!" Artemis yelled at the floating green skinned teen.

"What did he do?" Xander asked.

"He assaulted me!"

"He tripped and fell face first into her chest," Cyborg explained. "Of course it wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been…distracted."

"Would you agree that's what happened?" Xander asked.

"It's not my fault!" Beast boy squealed.

"I feel…unclean," Artemis said with a shudder. "He left teeth marks around my nipple."

Xander sighed. "As a way of apology you have to build her a bath, because even if it was by accident it was practically sexual assault. There are some hotsprings on the north side of the volcano. I'd suggest a Japanese onsen unless you think you can finish off a Grecian bath before sundown."

"Why sundown?" Cyborg asked.

"The island moves randomly at night and I can't guarantee it'd be anywhere close to the US again anytime soon."

"I'm not that great at building things," Beastboy admitted. "I made a birdbath once and the city condemned it."

"I'll help," Cyborg said, handing a pouch of small silver orbs to Robin.

"I also will lend my aid," Starfire said.

"Will an apology bathhouse make up for his clumsiness?" Xander asked.

"I… I suppose it will, though I would much rather make him eat his own liver," Artemis said grudgingly, as she considered some of the talks she'd had with her queen and fellow slave lately.

"Good," Xander said. "DO you feel this is an unfair punishment for your unintentional assault on her?" he asked Beastboy.

"Nah, this is much better than eating my own liver," Beastboy replied quickly.

"Excellent. Let me know if there are any problems."

After the four had left Robin considered Xander's actions. "You seem really concerned with being fair."

"Power can corrupt you if you let it," Xander explained. "And I've got far too much power not to be concerned with that. As long as I never let myself fall into a 'might makes right' mindset I'll probably be ok, but just to make sure I try and ensure all my actions are fair."

"I just hope you're not a sore loser," Robin said.

Xander laughed while Raven smoothed out a thirty foot circle in the sand using her powers. "If I lose I get my own bathhouse and some peace and quiet. I'll do my best to win, but losing won't upset me."

"Good," Robin said unclipping the lead lined pouch on his belt and tossing it to Raven, much to Xander's surprise. "On three?"

"Yeah," Xander agreed curiously, wondering why Robing was throwing away his only real chance to win.

"One!" Raven called out as they stared across the circle at one another.

"Two!" the two tensed.

"Three!" she called out and Robin threw the pouch he'd gotten from Cyborg up in the air where it exploded, filling the air above them with floating silver spheres.

"I think we'll be on a lot more even ground now," Robin said as beams of light shot from sphere to sphere until they were all connected…and the world took on a crimson hue.

Xander threw back his head and laughed. "That was brilliant. You've talked to the police and found out I was part Kryptonian and could see through lead. Kryptonite brass knuckles were just a red herring so you could get me in a circle under a red sunlight filter, which would depower anyone who draws energy from a yellow sun, while Kryptonite is somewhat hit or miss."

"Exactly," Robin said. "The most dangerous weapon there is, is the mind itself. Do you yield?"

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**Disclaimer: I aslo don't own the Lethal Weapon series.**


	3. Chapter 3

**On the Back of the Turtle 3**

"My powers aren't based solely on sunlight," Xander replied. "This just weakens me to Superman levels of strength.

"You've got to be kidding me," Robin said wide eyed, but still leaping to attack.

"Nope," Xander said stepping forward and catching Robin's pole assisted high kick without effort and trying to gently toss him out of the ring, but even as he threw him Robin lashed out with his pole to catch the ground and absorb the force of the throw. The pop of his shoulder dislocating made Xander wince, but it did prevent his ring out.

"Don't count your chickens yet," Robin said as he climbed to his feet.

"I can't see how you could win at this point," Xander admitted. "I don't mean to put you down or anything, but while skill can make up for power there are limits. I will wait for you to put your shoulder back in place though, because I'm aiming for the water on my next throw, you've proven I can't go as easy on you as I'd like."

A pop and a wince from everyone watching marked the restart of the match as Robin took him at his word and launched a blindingly fast offense that actually forced Xander back a step or two as he was sprayed in the eyes with what felt like acid and was nailed in the balls and nose with Robin's staff almost simultaneously. Blinking tears from his eyes Xander snagged Robin's cape but it came away in his hands and Robin used the cover it provided to drop several gas pellets and slip on a gas mask. Rather than blunder about and take a chance on stepping out of the circle while blinded, Xander dug his feet deep into the sand and tried to use his hearing to compensate for the lack of sight and the dizziness caused by the gas.

Robin split his staff into twin clubs and went all out trying to drive Xander back, but had no success as Xander soaked up the damage like a sponge and caught Robin by the arm.

"That was impressive," Hippolyta said as Robin went flying over the bay.

"Robin!" Raven called out shooting off after him.

"That was impressive," Xander agreed as he stepped out of the circle and felt the sunlight pour into him clearing his head and vision. "Batman, the guy your daughter is interested in, is the one who taught him to fight like that."

"A skilled warrior," Hippolyta said thoughtfully.

"Refuses to kill or even seriously maim an opponent," Xander explained. "The skill level needed for an unenhanced mortal to fight on your daughter's level-"

***WHAM***

A red and blue blur slammed into Xander with the force of a freight train, knocking him back nearly thirty feet, but Xander recovered and matched the man of steel punch for punch quickly forcing him into the circle that was still lit up with the Titan's red sun filter. Despite training with Bruce, Superman went down almost instantly and Xander moved back into the yellow sunlight and scanned for more attackers, spotting Wonder Woman, looking homicidal as she landed on the beach. He didn't wait to see what she'd do as she was wearing the armor and carrying the sword she'd received from Hephaestus, which made her even more dangerous than she normally was. Moving as fast as he was capable of under a yellow sun he was little more than a blur as he stole Wonder Woman's lasso and tied and gagged her up with it.

"I wonder what's got her so upset?" Hippolyta asked concerned.

"Probably me enslaving you," Xander offered. "Usually I'd expect Superman to try and talk first and Diana to at least order me to stand down before breaking out the armor and going all out."

"She was never this active at home," Hippolyta complained. "I swear, growing up it practically required a declaration of war to get her to clean her room."

A shadow passed over the two as Batman glided in using his cape to land not five feet from the two where he drew himself up to his full height and gave off a very impressive glare.

"And that's the man who trained Robin," Xander told her as Raven returned with Robin.

"Really?" she muttered examining him closely.

Batman's hand vanished inside of his cape for a moment before flashing out with a blue gem that he flung at Xander.

Xander caught the gem and smiled widely. "And this is why he's much more dangerous than the rest of the League. None of them would have the foresight to keep a Kryptonite gem exposed to a Bizarro ray or connected my looks and abilities to being a Bizarro Kryptonian myself."

"That would explain a few things," Robin agreed.

"Bizarro?" Hippolyta questioned while moving her daughter to a more comfortable position.

"An attempt was made to duplicate Superman, but the duplicate was white skinned and…bizarre. It was like they'd made a copy of a copy over a thousand times to see what would happen," Xander explained.

"If he expected the gem to work, I'm expecting it to be more of a dimensional gradient error rather than simple cloning errors," the Amazon replied. Seeing everyone look at her she simply raised an eyebrow. "You have to know these things when you're a queen, you know?"

Xander grinned. "Now watch what happens when I expose Superman to it."

Superman lay unconscious in the circle of red sunlight dark bruises on his face, but as the tossed gem rolled closer to him, they rapidly faded and he came to.

"Definitely dimensional variance," Hippolyta said. "Simple errors do not have that effect."

"We were told you had been kidnapped," Batman spoke up. "Was that report in error?"

"Yes it was," Hippolyta replied. "It would be closer to the truth to say that myself and Artemis have been imprisoned for a crime she committed that also carries a burden of guilt on my part."

"And being topless?" Superman asked, slightly distracted by the unfamiliar feeling of strength he was experiencing while under red sunlight.

"Is there something wrong with my breasts?" Hippolyta asked Xander concerned.

"They come from a much more body modest society," Xander explained. "Your breasts are magnificent as always."

"Thank you," Hippolyta said.

"Slurpee?" Xander asked offering her one while making another for himself.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"You have some measure of skill as a craftsman," Artemis admitted as Cyborg fused and smoothed out a section of marble flooring.

"I like to work with my hands," Cyborg said before looking at his metallic appendages. "Such as they are."

"Is that why you are superior to other men?" Artemis asked confusedly.

"Pardon?"

"Is having…metal what makes it so you aren't under the control of your genitals?" she asked. "Or has that been replaced too?"

Seeing everyone staring at him Cyborg blushed and waved his arms. "Still got all original parts there."

"Then what has given you the control to not assault me, unlike your brethren?"

"It was an accident!" Beastboy groaned pulling on his pointed ears.

"I refer not just to you," Artemis said coldly. "I have seen men before. Paradise Island has had its fair share of lost ships and exploring vessels."

"They were not of the good?" Starfire asked.

"Thieves murderers and rapists," she replied, her eyes fixed on a decent memory.

"None of those were modern ships were they?" Cyborg asked.

"It was just eighty years ago we had a ship arrive and try to claim our land and put us all in chains," she said shortly.

"Eighty years!" Beastboy exclaimed.

"We don't live that long," Cyborg said. "Seventy five is the projected lifespan of most people. Anyway, in most civilized countries behavior like you're talking about is considered illegal and those involved are imprisoned."

"I have heard broadcasts from Man's World that says such crimes are committed daily!"

"You can't blame just one group for it. Trust me we get plenty of female offenders as well."

"My sister is such a one," Starfire admitted. "Thankfully we were able to apprehend Blackfire and she now is paying for her crimes."

"I…see," Artemis said thoughtfully.

"We're the Teen Titans," Beastboy said proudly. "We're on the streets every day fighting to put the bad guys and girls away!"

"Teens?" Artemis asked.

"I'm the only member over twenty years old," Cyborg admitted.

"You're all just children," she said in shock. "I-I mean I'd heard about the short lifespans of those in Man's World, but I…I didn't believe it."

"My people are much longer lived," Starfire said. "But I am not a local."

"So I gathered," Artemis said. "And you have all dedicated your limited lifespan to fighting evil?"

"Better to spend your life making a difference than sit around doing nothing," Beastboy replied.

"I…apologize for trying to make you eat your own liver," she said. "I had assumed you were a full grown adult and your assault was intentional."

"Um…thanks," Beastboy said unsure if he was being insulted.

"Now that we are done here, let of see if Robin and Raven have secured your release," Starfire said cheerfully.

"My release?" Artemis asked.

"We came here to rescue you," Cyborg explained. "Wonder Woman was a mite upset when she heard her mom was kidnapped and we were the closest at hand to take care of things until she could get here herself."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Mhhp?" Wonder Woman asked unable to speak clearly.

Xander freed her mouth, being careful to keep his finger away from her teeth.

"Mother?" the hogtied Amazon asked concerned.

"I condoned a crime not even speaking out against it, though I knew it was wrong, just because of the gender of the victim," Hippolyta admitted as the rest of the Titans arrived with Artemis. "As a queen it is my responsibility to guide my people and set an example, for my voice is the voice of the Amazon nation itself. I failed my people and myself with my actions that day. I effectively declared war on an innocent party. Taking our laws and actions as a just response he had the right to kill us all, instead he simply imprisoned the two responsible here. We need no rescue for we are not unjustly imprisoned."

"But Robin won, right?" Beastboy asked hopefully.

"I…I lost," Robin admitted.

"Oh no!" Starfire exclaimed, hugging Robin to herself. "But I do not want to be without you!"

"I insisted on betting myself instead of him," Raven spoke up.

"There must be something we can do," Superman said.

"We could stage a breakout," Beastboy suggested half joking, "but I'm not seeing any bars."

"We're on the honor system," Xander replied.

"An Amazon's honor is stronger than any bars you could forge," Artemis said firmly as Batman untied Wonder Woman.

"And what do you have the prisoners do?" Superman asked wondering what their lives were like.

"No lying to me, no attacking me, try not to bug me," Xander replied. "Those are the only orders I've given. What they do is up to them. Normally I'd insist on them bringing nothing from the outside world in with them, but Raven may bring whatever she requires to help her deal with her status."

"Who are you?" Superman asked.

"A healed Bizarro clone of a child you didn't have who would have joined the Teen Titans," Xander replied. "Better grab your stuff Raven, it's almost sundown and how knows where we'll be by sunset."

"I'll go pack," Raven said flying off.

"I had a son?" Superman said in shock. "Who was the mother?"

"More of a two father situation," Xander replied. "Lex played god and mixed your DNA with his own. The resulting child took after you, but you were a complete prick about it for a while."

"And someone hit him with a Bizarro ray and sent you back in time?" Cyborg asked.

"No, my story is even more complicated," Xander replied. "There was magic and costumes and demons…anyway, like I said we are all on the honor system here, I'm not just the owner of the island I'm its first prisoner."

"What was your crime?" Batman asked.

"The destruction of countless demons who preyed on humanity," he replied. "I started as a normal human, but once I gained the power… I warred with the gods themselves to create a world where my friends didn't have to fear death by demon. Everyone above and below got kinda huffy and in exchange for the guarantee of five centuries of peace from the endless war for my people, I agreed to be exiled here."

"For how long?" Beastboy asked.

"The same amount of time my world is free of demons, I assume," Xander replied.

"That's like, forever!" Beastboy growled.

"And how long must my mother stay here?" Wonder Woman demanded.

"Until she feels she's served her time."

"Mother?" Wonder Woman asked, wanting her opinion.

"I'll have a better feel for how long my sentence is in a decade or so," Hippolyta replied.

"I can visit?" Wonder Woman asked/pleaded.

"The island moves about randomly, but sure," Xander replied. "The rules apply to visitors too though."

Wonder Woman nodded.

"Do you have to take Raven?" Beastboy begged as the members of the Justice League left.

"You're welcome to visit and I doubt she'll be more than a year and a half tops," Xander assured him. "It was a bet, not a life imprisonment, and traditionally such things last a year and a day."

"Then why did you suggest 18 months?" Robin asked.

"Because the island moves about, so getting back here may take a bit of time."

"She's a big part of our team," Cyborg pointed out.

"Artemis has my permission to take her place if she wishes it," Xander replied.

"I do not wish to see them shorthanded, but my place is by my queen's side," Artemis said quietly.

"The experience would be good for you," Hippolyta said. "I may be a queen, but I am still an Amazon, I need no servants. Go and follow Robin's commands as if they were my own. I failed you by not providing a better example, I won't fail you by letting this opportunity to learn from your mistakes pass you by."

"Yes, my queen."

"Princess Diana will have weapons and armor for her," Hippolyta told Robin. "And remind her that while I am absent from the island, it is her job to ensure it is running smoothly."

"Yes, your highness," Robin said, showing that Alfred's etiquette lessons weren't wasted.

Shortly only Hippolyta and Xander were on the beach.

"You have acknowledged your mistake and made amends," Xander said as they sat in silence. "You are no longer bound to stay here."

"Going back right now would be a disservice to my people," Hippolyta replied. "They need to know they can function in my absence and even if I have learned from my mistakes, as queen it is my duty to ensure they learn from them as well."

"Well said," Xander agreed. "Refill?"

"Yes, please."

The two sat and enjoyed the silence as they sipped their drinks.

"When I do return to my palace I am bringing one of these drink machines with me," she said aloud.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Back of the Turtle 4**

"So why do we only wear spandex bicycle shorts?" Raven asked, as the three watched the sun set.

"They washed up on the beach and are both comfortable and stylish," Xander replied, accepting a refill of his Slurpee from Hippolyta.

"So, we're all topless just because no shirts have washed up on the beach?" Raven asked.

"You still have your cloak" Xander said.

"I can wear it?" Raven asked hopefully.

"You have perfectly nice breasts," Hippolyta said, "You should display them proudly."

"I did pick up sunscreen," Xander offered.

"The sunscreen isn't the problem, I'm simply used to my cloak. I suppose it's a bit of a security blanket," she admitted.

"It's probably better for you to not wear it then," Xander suggested.

"Are you sure you're not saying that just so you can enjoy looking at my breasts?" she asked, used to dealing with Beast Boy.

"A foot of lead can't stop me from seeing your breasts, I just feel it's unfair that I get to enjoy the sight of them but Hippolyta doesn't," Xander teased.

"That's so very thoughtful of you," Hippolyta told Xander with a regal smile.

Raven blushed bright red.

"You look like you're burned after all," Hippolyta said before turning to Xander. "Where is that sunscreen?"

"I'm going to get my cloak," Raven said quietly, flying off.

"Was it something I said?" the two chorused before laughing.

"I don't believe I was ever that young," Hippolyta said.

"I was that young last week," Xander told her.

"What happened?" the amazon queen asked curiously.

"Janus turned me into my Halloween costume, which was a combination of a Bizzaro version of Superboy and Lobo the last Czarnian. Now the first thing you need to know is that Czarnians have a healing ability that is insane. They can regenerate their entire body from a single drop of blood. So that healing ability met the dimensionally fractured physiology of a human-kryptonian hybrid and tried to heal it," Xander explained.

"That explains quite a bit," Hippolyta said thoughtfully.

"The spell ended, but I was no longer a person wearing a costume at that point and fortunately I was mentally stronger than Bizzaro and Lobo, which isn't that impressive since I know all their weaknesses anyway."

"And that's why your anger, which was enough to commit genocide, cooled so quickly," Hippolyta finished.

"Conner and the Lobo calmed me down," Xander agreed.

Raven returned with her cloak, but wasn't wraping it around herself so her chest was still plainly visible. "Who is Conner?"

Xander passed the much more relaxed and serene half-demoness a slushie. "Conner doesn't exist in your world, but in other worlds he's a Teen Titan, Robin's best friend in fact. He's a hybrid clone of Superman and Lex Luthor."

"Whoa!" Raven said in shock, some of her serenity leaving her. "And Lobo calming you down?" she asked.

"He likes a good brawl and is a remorseless killer, but he's against killing women with great racks," Xander explained bluntly.

"That surprises me a lot less than it should," Raven deadpanned.

"So my people were saved by having great breasts?" Hippolyta asked.

"Conner, even Bizzaro Conner, is against killing," Xander explained. "That slowed me down long enough for Athena and Aphrodite to calm me down."

"Not Artemis?" Hippolyta asked.

"I don't like people who base value on what a person has between their legs," Xander replied.

"You would war with the gods themselves," Hippolyta said in shock, having heard him say it before, but not having believed it until now.

"You have to stand up for what you believe in, and I've fought the gods, which is why I'm here now," Xander said as the last rays of the sun faded away and the stars in the sky blurred for a moment before becoming clear once more.

"I can't feel my father!" Raven exclaimed.

"We're beyond his jurisdiction at the moment," Xander said.

"But there isn't anywhere on earth or even any dimension I could reach that was beyond him!"

"I told you before, the island moves." Xander said, happy that he'd guessed right about Raven's connection to Trigon not stretching beyond their reality.

"You warred with the gods and lost," Hippolyta said, "And they imprisoned you here?"

"Lost?" Xander laughed like it was the funniest thing he ever heard. "Who said I lost?"

The two women stared at him, clearly having a hard time believing what he was saying and wondering if he was mad.

"The Powers threw everything they could at me and I beat them all. I won all I wanted and more. In the end they bribed me to go away, offering me something I couldn't say no to," Xander said.

"What?" Raven asked, entranced.

"Buffy is a champion of good, called when she was just fourteen. Willow's been my best friend since we were children. Instead of dying in a never-ending battle against demons I was promised that they'd live long full lives and so would their children, and their children's children, and so on for centuries. And to sweeten the deal I was given my own island that would take me to places I only dreamed of reaching." Xander refilled his cup. "Since I couldn't rely on the gods to stop me, I had to reign myself in. That's why I do my best to stop and listen to people and why I try to be as fair as possible."

"Then why did you refer to yourself as the island's first prisoner?" the amazon queen asked.

"Since it moves around each night, there is no guarantee that I can find it again, and not only does it take me to places I always wanted to visit, but in five hundred years it will take me home to the moment I left. The Powers from my own universe are betting that in the five hundred years I'm gone I will find someplace else to settle or gain enough wisdom to come around to their point of view," Xander explained.

"So do you think they were right in their actions and you are just too young to understand?" Raven asked.

"No, but they think that, so they'll assume that with age and maturity I'll agree with them," Xander replied. "Everyone thinks they are right, even demons."

"Even you," Hippolyta pointed out.

"Especially me," Xander agreed readily. "It's a lot easier to believe you're right when you are."

"I feel the strange urge to fall on my face." Raven muttered.

"Must mean an anime universe," Xander replied.

**Typed by: Moderation**


	5. Chapter 5

**Back of the Turtle: Flashback and Forth.**

"Right about now, I can't help but wish for a little help," Flash said as the Justice League stared at the approaching horde of parademons as Darkseid's invasion of Earth began in earnest. The invasion began, not from dozens of boom tubes scattered throughout the world that they could counter and close, but from one huge portal disgorging an army of overwhelming force.

"Granted," said a voice that Superman knew all too well.

"Mxyzptlk!"

"That's right, Supes!" the extra-dimensional being said, snapping his fingers and causing a Slurpee machine and a boulder that had been carved into a comfortable sunning spot to appear with two people on it, both dressed in nothing more than bicycle shorts.

"Mother?" Wonder Woman asked in shock.

"Analogue," Xander said, using super-speed to scan the area and figure out what was going on. "My favorite imp! What prank do you have planned for today?"

"The Flash asked for help with the invasion," Mxyzptlk said. "You were looking bored, so..."

"Actually, I was meditating on the slope of Hippolyta's breasts," Xander said.

"Mother!" Wonder Woman exclaimed.

"This version of you is even more uptight than usual," Hippolyta told her daughter's analogue.

"I can spare a couple of minutes," Xander said. "Might I request a super sharp, unbreakable sword?"

A sword appeared in Xander's hand, a match for the sword in Wonder Woman's scabbard. "I don't see why not," the imp said.

Xander vanished and the parademons fell from the sky in pieces, drenching the foot soldiers in blood and burying them in bodies. The Justice League stared in horror as the invading force died between the ticks of the clock like a bucket of mice dropped in a blender on the frappe setting.

"Done," Xander said reappearing.

"I thought this would be funnier," Mxyzptlk said with a frown.

"I'm the not-completely-sane Xander who believes in overkill," Xander told him. "You were probably thinking of a different Xander."

"Slushee?" Hippolyta offered.

Mxyzptlk accepted and smiled after the first sip. "This is good!"

The boom tube imploded as Darkseid called off the invasion until he could determine what had happened.

"If you want funny, the next time Darkseid tries to invade re-direct the boom tube to the halls of the Einherjar in Asgard," Xander suggested.

Mxyzptlk chuckled. "Upsetting the Asgard is a bit dangerous, even for me."

"They'd love it!" Xander promised him. "Ask in advance and see what they say. Loki would think it a great prank, Thor a glorious battle, and Odin a way to keep everyone on their toes."

"We should get back to our prison," Hippolyta said, "before the gods get upset at you playing hookey."

"Prison?" Batman asked.

"Complicated, and none of your business," Xander told him. "We should get back before Raven gets worried."

"Or a sunburn," Hippolyta agreed with a smile.

"Back you go," Mxyzptlk said, "and thanks for the idea!"

The pair appeared back on the beach with their boulder.

"Cool, got a free sword," Xander said, sticking it into a nearby boulder.

"He kept the Slurpee machine," Hippolyta said with a frown.

**Typing by: Ordieth!**


End file.
